i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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