You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
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