My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
