I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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