my phone needs a breathalizer
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
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If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
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Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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