I wish i was in the wii world.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
