The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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