do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
