Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
