I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
