Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
