i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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