i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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