Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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