On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
