Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
