i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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