There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You ruined the universe
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