non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
