Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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