So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
