I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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