You're so nebulous sometimes
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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