listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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