i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
