A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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