Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
