I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
