Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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