feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
