her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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