Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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