Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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