listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
