why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
