Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
love makes seman taste better
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
