Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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