so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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