Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
