I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
