I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
