In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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