i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
