my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
