ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
