I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
