he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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