apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
