if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
