Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
