My pussy is not your playground.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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