he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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