So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
