There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I checked into jail on foursquare
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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