I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
