i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's