I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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