dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
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she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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